Forgive me. I have no idea why am I writing about this: Friendship. Is it because I'm simply finding happiness with my new found friends or I terribly miss my old ones? I don't know. All I know is that right now, I crave for some girlfriend to hug and cry with. Honestly, I've never even done that in my whole life. Yeah, I cried in front of my friends but those are for reasons that have been perfectly laid in front of their eyes. For an instance, when I had this very humiliating incident in my English class back in 3rd year high school, my teacher scolded me for being an arrogant know-it-all and that was just too much for me with everybody witnessing it so I cried. They comforted, just as anybody would do. I have my friends who I call my best friends but they don't know me either. Maybe because I had created this wall between myself and other people. I was never the emotional person of whatever group I belong too. I, actually, am always the comforter, adviser. People usually cry to me, and with that I gained a lot of friends. Ask them, if all the time we spent talking to each other, was half of it about me? Yeah, it might be about me but if it would be, it would only revolve on my opinions to guys and teachers and movies and books. I always wonder how it could be so easy for them to express themselves. My friends would tell me every feeling they had: about their family or how they got angry or hurt or extremely happy. I want to tell them that 'yeah, I've felt that too, that I've also been there but I feel so vulnerable letting someone in inside that wall. As a result, I had the most perfect family in the world in their perspective. They thought I'm strong willed and could stand up to just anybody. But my life isn't like that. Yeah, I'm a happy person. I love a good laugh and I can't imagine a day without laughing. You can also tell on how I describe myself that i'm strong and is really full of enthusiasm but that's only my other side. I have many doubts. I have many fears. I have feelings which I oftentimes don't care to express because I value the friendship that much. I was always the one holding back. I get pissed, I hold back my anger. I got hurt, I hold back the tears. I got stood up, I hold back my annoyance. Once, I tried talking. Letting some a part of me come out of that wall I've built. I thought it worked. I thought they understood but in next to no time things are back to normal. It hurts. Maybe I'm exaggerating it but I never really have known any better so, yeah, it does hurt. Hoping that you could trust somebody only to be completely ignored. And that wasn't the only time. For many times I've tried, but I always find the subject in serious conversations averted to another whole new topic. It feels so sad and depressing at the same time.
This had been in my drafts for weeks now. Yeah, I know. Its full of drama. I can vaguely remember what imposed these thoughts in my mind. (though I know they've been there for a long time). I just felt like I should post this so here I am. I would just like to add a few conclusions here.
Most of us have felt being alone. 'All alone in a crowded hall, the hall it is gay, and the waves, they are grand. But my heart is not here at all.' (from Slievenamon) These song lyrics summarize what I always felt in a crowd of friends. I want that wall broken but no one's willful enough, to even try. I love my friends, don't get me wrong. I understand them. But at times I felt like I only exists for their conveniences. You don't need someone to cry first before acting concerned. They care, that much I could tell. But someone's always bound to do more caring that what the other does. I'm tired of being that person. But I am still grateful, because while others have no one for them, I'm being so dramatic here. I'm not the perfect friend. But I do my best.
I, again would like to share somerthing from ezine about Friendship:
Friendship is a personal relationship shared between each friend for the welfare of other, in other words, it is the relationship of trust, faith and concern for each other feelings. It is a relationship of mutual caring and intimacy among one another. A friend is one who knows you as a person and regards you for what you are and not what he or she is looking in a good friend. Best friend is one who accepts the good as well bad qualities of his friend and also takes an initiative in correcting and mending them. Friendship is a distinctive kind of concern for your friend, it is a relationship of immense faith and love for each other.
Friendship is all about how much you care and understand each other. It is a pure relationship, which would make your friend smile, feel good as to how much you love him and care for him. It is all about talking, listening and building up a strong relationship loyalty among each other. It is string of love which develops gradually with each others involvement. In certain cases friendship may not last for a longer period and might end up or lose its prime importance of love and regard for each other. There are some friendships which might end with unresolved conflicts and tiffs which means that these type of relationship were not so strong that could hold on their own in adversity and bad times. Friendship is not about merry-making and fun it involves equal loyalty from both the partners.
It should be understood that not all friends are best friends. One might come across numerous number of friends in his life but there are very few who will be their during your ups and down. How one should recognize your best friend the one who will understand your strengths and shortcomings and would be with you in all your good and bad phases of life.
A true friendship does not consist of a huge number of friends you keep but it is valued by its worth and capability to hold you and stand by you in all phases of life.That said finding a best friend from among your friends is the hardest task to do.A lot of people say that the best friends automatically come closer from among a group of friends and you will never have to make an extra effort to do find one. That is how the strong bond between true friends is formed. So best of luck in finding or recognizing a true friend !